The Letter Writing Part of the Writing Life - Go Zags

Photo Credit: GU Parent and Family Calendar

I do a fair amount of volunteer work. Sometimes it's hard to decide what to work on and what to pass on, because there are so many issues that I care about that are under threat. I do try to volunteer in ways that lean into my primary interests and skill set, and I especially prefer when volunteer activities intersect with my interests and skill set (for example, writing letters about the importance of strong school libraries, or teaching classes to help others collaborate to build stronger libraries and/or stronger advocacy networks.)

Today, I had the pleasure of writing a letter to parents of incoming Gonzaga University students, welcoming them to the Gonzaga community and sharing information with them about my experiences as a "new college parent" last year. As a volunteer for the Parent-to-Parent network, I get to share information about a topic I'm familiar with and passionate about, and I get to be a resource to others who may have questions I can answer--a great assignment for a writer and consultant/trainer.

As I re-read the letter I sent out today, I realized that other "new college parents" with students that will be attending other universities might find my letter helpful as well. In case that's you, I've pasted in below:

*****

Dear New Zags,

Welcome and Congratulations!

My name is Dawn Prochovnic, and I am a fellow “Zag Parent.” I have volunteered with Gonzaga’s Parent-to-Parent program to be a resource to help with your family’s transition to college, and more specifically to Gonzaga University. I have two children, a daughter and a son. In August, my daughter will be starting her sophomore year at Gonzaga, and my son will be starting his junior at Beaverton High School in the Portland, Oregon area. Although I’m still a relative “newbie Zag” myself, I do feel that I’ve learned a lot over the past school year, and I am happy to answer any questions you may have about the college transition, move-in, or the campus. If I don’t know the answer, I feel confident I could direct you to someone who does.

If you are like me last year, the problem is that you don’t even know which questions to ask, so I will give you a few hints from my experience (some of which I've “borrowed” from the Zag Parent who introduced herself to me last year : ).

First of all, you should make your hotel (or AirBnB) reservations for Orientation/Drop Off Weekend AND for the October Family Weekend NOW. The lodging in Spokane books up rather quickly. Something that I learned last year is that your student will spend VERY LITTLE time with you during the drop off/orientation weekend (and you will be very busy participating in parent orientation events during the drop-off weekend). Our family typically prefers staying in AirBnbs when we travel, because we like to have the option to cook our own meals and we like to have indoor and outdoor spaces to relax and move about. During the drop off weekend, we could have definitely stayed in a hotel room because we really didn’t spend a lot of time in our room other than for sleeping. In contrast, for family weekend, I was VERY GRATEFUL that we had booked an AirBnB with a kitchen and dining table/patio seating area, because one of the things our daughter was craving most was a home-cooked meal and some time to casually relax/watch movies/play games, etc as a family. I brought ingredients for one of her (easy to prep) favorites, and cooking and eating that meal together in a “home environment” was one of the best ways to re-connect and catch up. (NOTE: If you don’t yet use AirBnb, but you want to, let me know and I can send you an “invitation” that I think will give you a discount on your first stay.)

[This next bit of info is from the note my Zag Parent sent me last year: Some of the hotels are close enough to campus that you can walk back and forth; those are always the first to go. The beautiful Davenport Hotels (There are now 3 of them) are in downtown and a bit further away. They charge for parking but are very nice. To make reservations, you should call them and ask for the Gonzaga rate (it brings it down to about the same price of a lesser hotel). They do not offer the Gonzaga rate during Graduation weekend. I just made my reservations for Graduation next May and most of the hotels were booked up the first day they opened for reservations. Keep that in mind 4 years from now.]

Our daughter had attended a pre-orientation program (GOOB) prior to move in. She packed up everything she needed “for college” and had those belongings set aside before she flew to Spokane with a week’s worth of luggage/supplies for her GOOB experience (which was wonderful, by the way). My husband, son and I loaded up her belongings into a small trailer and drove from Portland to Spokane the Thursday afternoon before orientation weekend (the GOOB program wrapped up on that Thursday). Because she was in a pre-orientation program, we were allowed to move in her belongings on that Thursday afternoon, and she spent that first night in her dorm room. I tell you this, because, although she is very independent, she is also very family-oriented and sentimental, and I was not prepared for her to be ready to sleep in her dorm room (without her roommate having even arrived yet) that very first night. I was also not prepared for how much she had already matured after spending just one week in the pre-orientation program. This was all very positive, but also a bit of a shock to me.

Most new students/families moved in on the Friday of orientation weekend. I’ve heard some mention that parking can be a hassle on that day—I can’t really speak to that given our earlier move in day. I will say the “big move-in process" appeared to be very sociable and organized. It was on that day that we met our daughter’s roommate and her family. The moms exchanged contact info with each other and the girls. Although I didn’t really have reason to reach out to my daughter’s roommate during the school year, I felt some peace of mind knowing that I could call or text her if I felt the need to do so. 

We did most of our dorm-related shopping in Portland ahead of time. The shopping experience was an opportunity for my daughter and I to do some bonding (truth be told, it was also a time when we bickered a bit, as tensions rose as the summer progressed—even so, in hindsight, I’m still glad that we shared in those shopping outings.) There are many shopping options in Spokane. (It’s my understanding there are Gonzaga discounts offered at Fred Meyer, Bed Bath and Beyond etc.) As I mentioned earlier, your child may be free for a dinner, maybe a mid-day meet up, but otherwise you may not see them much that weekend. If I had to do it over again, I would still stay through Sunday, but it was clear that our daughter had new relationships to begin making and new experiences to begin experiencing, and by the late-morning meal we shared on Sunday, it was clear that it was time for us to go. 

We headed straight back to Portland after the drop off, but if you are not familiar with Spokane, and you have flexibility in your schedule, it is absolutely beautiful at this time of year so you could spend some additional time exploring. The Centennial trail runs through Gonzaga and downtown (we brought our bikes on family weekend, and rode along the trail and downtown). You can also ride the gondolas over Spokane falls, drive up to Mount Spokane, or head over to cute Coeur d’Alene. We prefer casual restaurants—our two favorites in Spokane are Clark’s Fork (for breakfast/lunch) and No-Li Brewhouse for lunch or dinner (both walking distance from campus). In Coeur d’Alene, we’ve enjoyed Rustic and Taphouse Unchained (both on Sherman). 

Last year my Zag Parent advised me not to buy my student a room refrigerator or microwave and to instead reserve and rent them from the school re: students’ needs change from year to year so, you may be storing that appliance if you buy. She also mentioned that they go fast, so it’s important to reserve these as soon as possible. My sister ended up gifting my daughter a fridge, and her roommate brought a microwave, so we did not rent. To note, my daughter did end up storing her fridge over the summer (in a friend’s storage unit).  

Spokane Winters are wet, COLD and snowy. Your student will need a warm rain jacket with a hood, waterproof snow boots (not Uggs!!), gloves, and warm clothing. Winter starts in Spokane in October, so during Family weekend the kids are usually ready to admit they need warmer clothes. 

Think about encouraging your child to set up a Lyft and/or Uber account if they haven’t already. This comes in very handy to get to and from the airport. I think Gonzaga has/had a shuttle to the airport during the holidays, but we welcomed the convenience of the ride services. The airport in Spokane is very low-key. It takes very little time to get there and through security. I’m told that train is also an option, but we do not have any experience with that. Although we did not allow our daughter to have a car in Spokane for the first semester, we did agree to let her drive back to Spokane after spring break, so she had a car on campus for the last couple of months of school. 

A few other details that you might find helpful:

-There are MANY choices of sessions to attend during Orientation. My husband and I attended some sessions together, and some apart (trading notes as needed afterwards).

-We did not attend any formal functions during Family Weekend (we just spent time together as a family)—sorry event planners/organizers! In fact, last year we commented that we really could have visited during any other weekend, just to connect. However, we came to realize that even if we didn’t attend functions during Family Weekend, it was a time when our daughter’s friends were also occupied with their own families, so we really did have her full (or mostly full) attention. We just booked an AirBnb for Fall family weekend, 2018. 

-Parent and Family Relations is a wonderful resource. I describe them as a cross between a concierge and a parenting coach for parents with college-aged kids. ; ) 

-Care Packages: Speaking of Parent and Family Relations, they will offer you opportunities to purchase care packages. I did not purchase any of these (though I think they act as a fund raiser for a good cause). Instead, as soon as I got home from dropping my daughter off to college, I went shopping for some of her favorite snacks and small gifty-items that I thought she would enjoy (soaps, lotions, stickers for her water bottle, silly things that connected with our inside jokes and/or her interests, seasonal decorations, etc). I sent little care packages every so often, and around “holidays” like Halloween and Valentine’s Day, etc. I also wrote letters . . . good old fashioned letters. I didn’t write so much about what was going on at home while she was away . . . but instead wrote about memories I had from when she was a younger child. I have to say, of everything I sent, I honestly think the letters were the most important to her . . . and they were therapeutic for me! 

-Speaking of holidays, book flights home and back for Thanksgiving break sooner than later. We had originally planned that we would drive to pick her up and bring her back, but the reality is that Thanksgiving break is VERY short, and the driving can be unpredictable during that time of year. We ended up flying her home and back, but by the time we looked into tickets, the flight times available were not ideal, and of course, they were more expensive. 

-Shots: There is a two-part shot that is recommended (required?). We did the first part at home, but didn’t get to the second part until she got to school (so we had to get the second shot at the college health clinic instead of at our normal doctor’s office). On one hand, that was good, as it a provided a reason to “get to know” the health clinic, but it also meant our daughter’s arm was sore during that time ; ). Had I to do it over again, I would have scheduled the shots earlier in the summer so that both could have been taken care of at home.

Okay, I’ve likely bombarded you with too much information, but hopefully it’s helpful. Please don’t hesitate to call or email me with any specific questions you might have, and feel free to email just to introduce yourself if you are so inclined. 

Go Zags! 

*****

So, dear readers, what are your experiences dropping your child off at college? and/or What are the things you are thinking about and wondering about as you prepare to drop your child off to college?

Best wishes for a successful transition to college in your family!

Enrich Your Learning Environment with Sign Language: Post #9

Image Credit

My mother-in-law is one of the best parenting role models I know. She didn't take any fancy classes. She didn't read any how-to books. She didn't regularly network with other parents. In fact, she didn't even speak the same language as her husband when they got married (my father-in-law spoke Polish, and she spoke Russian when they met. . .  they figured out how to communicate). She is a natural at helping kids learn, making kids feel deeply loved, and figuring out how to get her own needs met along the way.

I love hearing her tell the story about the summer that the boys (my husband and his brother) moved the dirt in the back yard. She had a pile of dirt in the back yard, and when summer started, she told the boys it need to be moved to another corner of the yard. They filled buckets. They built roads. They dug holes. I suspect they threw a few dirt balls. When the pile of dirt was moved to the spot she had indicated (some weeks later), she told them it needed to be moved to yet another spot. They kept busy. She kept sane.

This is the same person who signed her kids up for swim lessons every morning all summer long. The kids got up and going and out of the house each and every day. They learned to swim. They made friends. They found things to do in and around the park where the lessons were scheduled. She survived summer.

Fast forward several years later, and this same person is a wonderful grandmother to my own two children. I learn so much from watching her interact with them. The way she listens without any distractions. The way she invites them to help her, (and they eagerly oblige). The way she knows the just-right gifts for each of them. The way she rubs their backs or brushes their hair and gets them to talk with her about anything and everything. The clever way she gets them to quiet down when their boisterous ways are too much for one household to endure . . .

She calls it The Quiet Game. When she announces that the game has begun, no more words or sounds can be made. You can point. You can gesture emphatically. You can mouth words. But you cannot make a sound. The first person to make a sound is disqualified. If you get disqualified too quickly (she is the judge), then the game starts over . . . and over . . . and over.

My family is noisy. There is no doubt in anyone's mind when we have arrived. We have very little that is quiet about us . . . except when we are trying to win The Quiet Game.

I've used this same technique in classes that are extra boisterous. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for encouraging the exuberance and energy that is childhood. But sometimes, my ears (and my psyche) need a break. The Quiet Game allows me to re-direct the energy into quietude (and allow myself a brief respite from noise).

The Quiet Game is easy to play. I like to use the sign for quiet to announce the start of the game. I also like to use sign language in place of spoken language while the game is underway. It's amazing how much kids can say with their hands when their voices are off. Give it a try. I'd love to hear your experiences.

If you want more tips for enriching your learning environment with sign language, you can find links to the full series of posts here.

Hosting an Exchange Student Builds Empathy

Can you tolerate another enthusiastic post about hosting an exchange student? (re: I’m not quite done using this space to extol the benefits of said exchange). In a previous post I talked about the similarities I observed in my kids and my exchange student and how the experience allowed me to reconsider some of my perspectives as a parent. Building on that topic, one of the things I noticed about myself is that I was inherently more accepting of my exchange student’s preferences and opinions than of my own kids’. Not cool. 

Let me explain: I wanted to take “Pablo” to an exceptional water park just outside of Portland. I planned the outing with another family member with similarly aged kids. We were particularly enthusiastic because there was an outdoor concert scheduled on the water park lawn in the evening after the pool and slides closed, so we could make a full day of it. We planned our meet up, and I let the kids know about the plan. My daughter (who would live in water if we let her) was thrilled. My son was not nearly as enthusiastic. He’s not a water hound, and he’s more of a homebody.

My initial reaction was that my son needed to stretch outside of his comfort zone a bit. I asked him to “take one for the team” so we could share this fun experience with Pablo. He agreed. Reluctantly. Then I explained the activity plan to Pablo. He agreed. Reluctantly. And guess what? I did not give him the same “take one for the team” lecture. And guess who noticed? My son. And then me.

My first reaction when Pablo was not keen on the plan was to kick into “nurturing mother mode” and ask more about his perspective. Did he not like the water? Was he not in the mood for swimming? Was he tired? Here’s the real clincher. His reason for not wanting to go was that he’s been to water parks before and he finds them crowded and noisy and not his idea of a good time. Guess what? That’s pretty much the same reason my son is not keen on the place I had in mind. But here’s the difference. With my son, my initial reaction was to “parent him” by asking him to stretch out of his comfort zone to accommodate the rest of our family’s interest in going to this “attraction.” My initial reaction with Pablo was to try to understand his needs, and then I offered to accommodate those needs. And I wasn’t irritated with the prospect. I felt empathy for his discomfort. And my son noticed . . . And called me out on it. Ooooph. That’s a punch in the gut. But one I’ve learned from, and that’s the best kind.

Don’t get me wrong. I do think it’s appropriate to expose our children to experiences that are outside of their comfort zones and ask them to go along with group activities that appeal to other friends/family members. But the reality is that I wasn’t asking my son to stretch outside of his comfort zone; I was asking him to keep up with my comfort zone.  I like to be out and about. I love being “on the go.” My son needs more down time. If you check out my first post on this topic, there’s no doubt we were seeing and doing a lot of activities together. We were On. The. Go.

In the end, we didn’t end up going to the water park. When I touched bases with the other parent, it became clear that only one of her kids was very enthusiastic about idea. We decided that it was too far of a drive and too expensive of an outing to bring several people when only two of the kids really wanted to go to. I will bring my daughter another time. Solo (or more likely, with one of her friends).What did we do instead? We picnicked on the back patio instead of on the waterpark lawn. We played Pandora instead of listening to a live band. And later in the evening we spontaneously went to my son’s favorite arcade (while my daughter and her cousin happily hung out at the local yogurt shop). Despite the crowds and noise, my son (and incidentally, our exchange student) LOVES arcades. I can’t stand them. It was my turn to “take one for the team.”

How Hosting an Exchange Student Helped Me Grow as a Parent

I'm sure it's clear from my last post that I had a great time hosting our exchange student from Spain. What I might not yet have conveyed is how the experience caused me to think differently as a parent.

At the most basic level, I quickly developed an awareness of the many similarities between my children and our exchange student. For example, my kids (who are pretty darned cool), aren't very enthusiastic when we are on a car trip and I insist that they stop what they are doing (be it reading a book or playing a game on their ipod/ipad) so they can look at a beautiful mountain or cloud formation or sunset.  The routine goes something like this:

Photo Credit: Gabeguss

Me: "Hey kids. Hit the pause button. Look up. Look out the passenger side window. Hurry. Don't miss it. Isn't that amazing. Oh. My. Gosh. That is beautiful. Isn't that absolutely beautiful? Are you looking? Did you see that?"

My kids: "Yah. That's nice Mom. Thanks." Reading/game playing resumes.

Me (to husband): "How can anything on those blasted little screens possibly be more compelling than the view out our window right now? How. Is. That. Possible?"

I'll resist the temptation to go on. You know the drill. This sort of thing drives me crazy. I get on my kids' case about it. Even when I reflect back on how uninspired I was when my own parents gave their enthusiastic speeches about the wonders of looking out the window, I still have little empathy for my own kids' perspective in these situations.

Somehow, our exchange students' visit helped me put this in perspective. Here he was, traveling across the world, visiting a completely different country, seeing things he'd never seen before, and may not see again, and he too was nose down into his screen as we drove past these wonderful sites. He looked up, just like my kids did, and he (happily) took their queue and resumed his game as soon as my kids resumed theirs. I found myself thinking, "He's a 14 year old boy. Of course this isn't his thing."

And suddenly empathy for my own kids kicked in. They're kids. Completely. Normal. Kids. Interested in their games. Their friends. Their priorities.

They are good kids. They are happy kids. They are smart kids. And, they are likely getting more out of those brief glances out the window than I give them credit for. I suspect they too will grow up and oogle over mountains someday. In the meantime, I will continue to rattle their cages when we drive past beautiful views, but I will try to resist the temptation to be frustrated or judge. That's an important reminder to my inner parent, (and my inner author, given that I write for kids).