Where are the “Mommy and Me Groups” for Parents of Middle Schoolers? -- My Messy Beautiful

I get invited to share information about signing with babies at a lot of “Mommy and Me” groups for parents of infants and toddlers. The new parents bundle up their babies and slog their tired butts into these meetings to openly share their trials, tribulations, and success stories with strangers.

I’ve noticed some things about these conversations:

1) The discussion topics are similar from group to group and have remained fairly consistent over time. (I’ve been visiting these groups for nearly 15 years, and parents consistently talk about crying and sleep issues, nursing and feeding concerns, daycare and return to work logistics, health and safety matters, and developmental milestones).

2) Parents are willing to share their difficult experiences unabashedly. They talk about how long their babies cry night after night, how projectile their spit up is, and how explosive their diapers are.

3) Parents are interested in the experiences and ideas offered by their peers. If someone is preparing to return to work, the group facilitator turns the issue back to the group and asks other parents who have already returned to work for their input and perspective. Parents with experience with the situation gladly offer their perspectives. 

4) I love visiting these groups. I feel extremely confident, experienced, and nostalgic when I listen to new parents discuss their concerns. It’s all I can do to resist the temptation to chime in and share my own war stories, solutions and disasters. My years of parenting infants and toddlers are more than a decade behind me. All the things that seemed so difficult and unfamiliar then seem so familiar and manageable now. Part of this is because I’ve already lived through it, (and part of it is likely because the passage of time has numbed my recollection of the painful aspects of those early years of parenting).

5) Those types of open, honest (and facilitated) conversations with other parents seem to peter out about the time kids start preschool, and they are essentially non-existent for those of us parenting kids in middle school and high school. If there was ever a stage of parenting where I’ve felt the need for encouragement and support, it is the middle school years (6th grade is a doozy for our family)!

It’s not that there aren’t resources for parents of older children. There are classes and counselors, websites, and workbooks, but I’ve yet to see parent support groups for older families modeled after the “Mommy and Me” format that is so widely available for new parents.

In my experience, parents don't completely stop talking to each other as our kids grow up, but the conversations are more filtered and skew toward the positive as time passes on. We talk about how our kids are doing in school and on their sports teams. We talk about their after school activities and summer camp experiences. We talk about the logistical challenges of juggling work responsibilities, carpools, and meal preparation, but we don’t talk about the horrible meltdown our child had over the weekend, or the hurtful words that were spewed at us in a fit of teen rebellion, or the concerns we have about our child being socially awkward, resistant to personal hygiene, or afraid of going to the doctor. 

These topics don’t come up as readily when we chit chat during soccer games or bump into each other at the grocery store. They don’t come up when we share a glass of wine or cup of coffee with other parents—particularly if those other parents have kids our kids’ age. And they certainly don’t come up in our social media outreach. Seriously, when was the last time a Facebook friend posted something along the lines of: “Today my middle-schooler threatened me physically, then looked me in the eye and said she hates me. I’m heartbroken, angry (and a little bit scared). Would love some advice for how to navigate this age and stage.”?

I think one of the reasons we are more hesitant to share our dirty laundry as our kids get older is that we want to protect them. We don’t want to “out” them to the world. My kids have done some pretty rotten and embarrassing things. There is a little part of me that thinks others won’t be as forgiving as I am, or that others won’t be able to see beyond their uglies once they hear some of our family stories. More truthfully, however, is that I too am afraid of being judged. I worry that the challenges I’m experiencing with my own children are a reflection on my parenting skills. I worry that I’m the only parent whose child has thrown a full-on temper tantrum at the age of twelve. I worry that the challenging parenting moments I experience in the privacy of our home are unique to our family, and that other households are more peaceful and pleasant and perfect.

I think I need a “Mommy and Me” group for middle school. I want to slog my tired butt into a meeting room and share my trials, tribulations and success stories with strangers. I want to hear that others are struggling with the same types of things I’m struggling with, and I want the opportunity to feel confident and share my perspective when someone is experiencing something I’ve navigated successfully. That said, I don’t think I want my kids at these meetings--I’m not ready for them to find out how close I am to giving in to their daily dose of irrational demands!

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. If you have older kids, are you involved in a parenting support group? If so, is it comprised of strangers (initially) or of people that are part of your school/neighborhood community? Do you have a facilitator or do you self-faciliate? Has the experience been helpful? Please share!

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