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April 7, 2014

Where are the “Mommy and Me Groups” for Parents of Middle Schoolers? -- My Messy Beautiful

I get invited to share information about signing with babies at a lot of “Mommy and Me” groups for parents of infants and toddlers. The new parents bundle up their babies and slog their tired butts into these meetings to openly share their trials, tribulations, and success stories with strangers.

I’ve noticed some things about these conversations:

1) The discussion topics are similar from group to group and have remained fairly consistent over time. (I’ve been visiting these groups for nearly 15 years, and parents consistently talk about crying and sleep issues, nursing and feeding concerns, daycare and return to work logistics, health and safety matters, and developmental milestones).

2) Parents are willing to share their difficult experiences unabashedly. They talk about how long their babies cry night after night, how projectile their spit up is, and how explosive their diapers are.

3) Parents are interested in the experiences and ideas offered by their peers. If someone is preparing to return to work, the group facilitator turns the issue back to the group and asks other parents who have already returned to work for their input and perspective. Parents with experience with the situation gladly offer their perspectives. 

4) I love visiting these groups. I feel extremely confident, experienced, and nostalgic when I listen to new parents discuss their concerns. It’s all I can do to resist the temptation to chime in and share my own war stories, solutions and disasters. My years of parenting infants and toddlers are more than a decade behind me. All the things that seemed so difficult and unfamiliar then seem so familiar and manageable now. Part of this is because I’ve already lived through it, (and part of it is likely because the passage of time has numbed my recollection of the painful aspects of those early years of parenting).

5) Those types of open, honest (and facilitated) conversations with other parents seem to peter out about the time kids start preschool, and they are essentially non-existent for those of us parenting kids in middle school and high school. If there was ever a stage of parenting where I’ve felt the need for encouragement and support, it is the middle school years (6th grade is a doozy for our family)!

It’s not that there aren’t resources for parents of older children. There are classes and counselors, websites, and workbooks, but I’ve yet to see parent support groups for older families modeled after the “Mommy and Me” format that is so widely available for new parents.

In my experience, parents don't completely stop talking to each other as our kids grow up, but the conversations are more filtered and skew toward the positive as time passes on. We talk about how our kids are doing in school and on their sports teams. We talk about their after school activities and summer camp experiences. We talk about the logistical challenges of juggling work responsibilities, carpools, and meal preparation, but we don’t talk about the horrible meltdown our child had over the weekend, or the hurtful words that were spewed at us in a fit of teen rebellion, or the concerns we have about our child being socially awkward, resistant to personal hygiene, or afraid of going to the doctor. 

These topics don’t come up as readily when we chit chat during soccer games or bump into each other at the grocery store. They don’t come up when we share a glass of wine or cup of coffee with other parents—particularly if those other parents have kids our kids’ age. And they certainly don’t come up in our social media outreach. Seriously, when was the last time a Facebook friend posted something along the lines of: “Today my middle-schooler threatened me physically, then looked me in the eye and said she hates me. I’m heartbroken, angry (and a little bit scared). Would love some advice for how to navigate this age and stage.”?

I think one of the reasons we are more hesitant to share our dirty laundry as our kids get older is that we want to protect them. We don’t want to “out” them to the world. My kids have done some pretty rotten and embarrassing things. There is a little part of me that thinks others won’t be as forgiving as I am, or that others won’t be able to see beyond their uglies once they hear some of our family stories. More truthfully, however, is that I too am afraid of being judged. I worry that the challenges I’m experiencing with my own children are a reflection on my parenting skills. I worry that I’m the only parent whose child has thrown a full-on temper tantrum at the age of twelve. I worry that the challenging parenting moments I experience in the privacy of our home are unique to our family, and that other households are more peaceful and pleasant and perfect.

I think I need a “Mommy and Me” group for middle school. I want to slog my tired butt into a meeting room and share my trials, tribulations and success stories with strangers. I want to hear that others are struggling with the same types of things I’m struggling with, and I want the opportunity to feel confident and share my perspective when someone is experiencing something I’ve navigated successfully. That said, I don’t think I want my kids at these meetings--I’m not ready for them to find out how close I am to giving in to their daily dose of irrational demands!

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. If you have older kids, are you involved in a parenting support group? If so, is it comprised of strangers (initially) or of people that are part of your school/neighborhood community? Do you have a facilitator or do you self-faciliate? Has the experience been helpful? Please share!

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16 comments:

  1. GREAT idea. We span the ages in our house with kids ages 16, 5 and 3. Each one brings their own blend of joy and misery....but your points are all true. I can air dirty laundry on the little ones easier than the big one. Maybe because she's so close to adulthood. If I fess up to her imperfections, I'm admitting my own parenting flaws! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thanks for your note, Amy. I love your words: "Each one brings their own blend of joy and misery…" So true--and I would add "life lessons" ; )

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  2. Thank you for this great post! I have an almost 10 and 6 year old, and I find myself censoring so much more about my 10-year-old. I think it is as our children get older, they are more autonomous and we want to protect their privacy more - but that is at the age when we as parents need MORE help and support, not less. Thank you for this great post!

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond! I think you're absolutely right. We want to protect their privacy, but it's complicated because "our stuff" is intertwined with "their stuff." I also think as our children get older it's harder to admit "in the moment" that we are struggling . . . it's so much easier to admit to the struggles of parenthood in retrospect. After publishing this post, I found myself fretting about not saying enough (any?!) good things about my children in this essay. For the record, my kids are amazing, beautiful people . . . and I find it MUCH more comfortable to talk/write about their amazing beautiful parts than the parts that are challenging and painful.

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  3. You nailed it. I have 4 kids: son (19), daughter (17), and twin daughters (15). I have felt prompted often to start my own support/prayer group for moms of teenagers...but am held back by the fear of others judging me. I judge myself and my husband hard enough that I don't know if my heart could take my friends judging me too! After reading your feelings, I am encouraged to maybe, maybe, maybe reach out to a few friends who might be willing to get together. I'm still scared, but encouraged that I'm not the only one who feels this way. By the way, my kids are super too...sometimes...and awful...sometimes. Aren't we all?!

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    1. Thanks for your message, Jen. We are our own worst critics, aren't we? I hope you will keep in touch if you do decide to start a group and let me know how it goes! I suspect it will be wonderful. I know I've been bolstered simply by the comments and direct messages I've received in response to this post. Community is so powerful!

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  4. Oh my gosh YES! This would be awesome. I think in any stage, going through it with others in the same boat is so important. There's humor there and i can't believe we're surviving this and tips to get through tomorrow and all of that. What a wonderful idea.

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    1. Thanks for your comment, Heather. It prompted me to follow your link and read your essay for the Messy, Beautiful project. I was inspired by your story and moved by your honesty. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  5. What a wonderful idea! As in any circumstance it's best to go through it with the been there done that people. Thanks for sharing this.
    Heather

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  6. I don't have middle schoolers yet, but I enjoyed reading this because I am seriously terrified of that time period. I hope this catches on...I have a feeling I'll need it.

    Thank you for sharing--and advocating!

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    1. Thanks for your message, Rachel. The more people I hear from, the more I feel convinced that we should all get something like this started! I'm glad you commented, as it gave me an opportunity to click on your link and read your heartbreaking and beautiful tribute to your daughter. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your grief and healing process.

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  7. I am not yet a parent of middle schoolers, but I sincerely hope that when I am, something like this exists. I am terrified of that season!

    Thanks for your thoughts.

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  8. Hello. Was brought here by the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project. I am a middle school teacher (8th grade science) and mother of a baby and a toddler. This entry made me laugh! However, I understand that you are completely not joking. Middle school is insane at best. I feel like if parents of 14 year olds were to sit around and share, they would be less forthcoming about the fact that their son/daughter took a snap chat photo of someone using the toilet and then someone took a screen shot of it and tweeted it. I hope these sort of things do exist because I don't know how parents handle these situations without support!

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    1. Hi Meredith. Thanks for taking the time to write! I've been surprised by how many messages people have sent me about this post. I've yet to hear from anyone who is a part of this type of open, intentional support for this age/stage of parenting. Enjoy your little ones . . . I know it sounds trite, but they will grow up fast!!

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  9. Dawn - I just ran across this blog post and have been looking for a group like this for awhile but they don't exist! MOPS has a Moms Next group for Moms of school age children, but that's mostly geared toward elementary school age. Middle Schoolers are a totally different story....they start a bit in elementary, but oh my does it really kick into high gear once they hit middle school. I've thought about starting my own group, but have had the same concerns brought up here - "are people going to think I'm a bad mom?" "will they tell someone else I'm a bad mom?" "am I the only one dealing with this?" "will topics discussed get back to my daughter and/or her friends and affect her school life, etc?". After reading this I know I'm not the only one - thank you - and would love to hear if anyone sets up a group and how they structure it. Thank you for this post!!!

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    1. Thanks for your message! I can't tell you how reassuring to me that my experience resonates with others. I have heard from so many people who echo your comments. I haven't heard from anyone yet who has started a group, but I will definitely let you know if I do!

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